Take My Advice (I'm Not Using It): Parenting Edition
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The original plan was to call my new podcast Take My Advice (I’m Not Using It). It’s a bit of a mouthful, though, so I lopped the end bit off and kept it in as a segment at the end. As well as the interesting psychology behind why we often struggle to stick to our own advice, it just makes me feel better when experts tell me that they don’t get it right all the time either – call it free counselling.
Of course, there’s nothing quite like parenting to fill you with feelings of guilt and regret, so it was somewhat reassuring to hear Alyssa Westring, author of Parents Who Lead remind me that sometimes all you can do is try your best!
“So, I tell people I’ve got a PhD in work-life balance. I’ve been studying this since before I had kids and before I had a job, but that doesn’t mean that I get it right all the time. It just means that I might be quicker at noticing opportunities for change and opportunities for growth. We all have to take the time to step back, look around, talk, think, and experiment. None of this is something that you’re supposed to be perfect at - the idea is that it’s a continuous process.”
For those of you who were subscribers to Future Work/Life in July, you might remember my articles about the relationship between parenting and leadership. These were inspired in large part by Alyssa’s book, written with Stew Friedman, which was a source of inspiration and consolation for me in the early part of lockdown this year.
The book applies leadership principles to the ways in which you manage your personal life, which resonated with me and helped my wife and I think beyond the significant day-to-day challenges at the time. The ‘Four-Way Win’ framework, for example, asks you to consider how much of your time you’d like to spend focused on Family, Work, Community and your Self, and then note down what happens in reality.
Often, the old ideas are the best, which is why today I’m going to combine some of mine with those from Parents Who Lead to share some actionable ideas for what remains a challenging period.
SELF:
I’m starting with Self for a reason. It’s usually the first thing that gets sacrificed when faced with stress and time pressures. Yet, unless you’re on top form, you’ll struggle in the other areas of your life too.
Consider the analogy of the airline safety demonstration. If you recall (given it’s probably been a while since many of us were on a plane), parents are always told to ensure we put our oxygen masks first before tending to our children - this is counter-intuitive, going against our instincts to look after those we love before ourselves. If we look at this rationally, though, it makes complete sense.
I have certainly broken my positive habits of regular exercise and mindfulness practice at times over the past few months, and I can see the detrimental effect on various aspects of my life. I’ve made a promise to myself that I’ll now give myself at least an hour a day to focus on this because this will improve whatever else I’m doing - it’s non-negotiable.
FAMILY:
When it comes to spending time with my family, I have two main rules.
My wife and I create a weekly work schedule to ensure we clearly communicate with one another who is available when, which days each of us does drop-off and pick-up from school, and how much time we each have to work. To be clear, neither of us ever feel like we have enough time to do everything we need to, but at least we have some clarity of what’s happening when — the less uncertainty in life the better at the moment.
This one is simple, and I say it repeatedly - separate work and family time. Trying to mix the two is no good for anyone.
WORK:
As I said, while almost all experience a sense that there aren’t enough working hours in the day, I still find the best way to organise my time is using the four categories of work I talked about in my article, Flow Motion - collaborative, spontaneous, focused and downtime. It really is the secret of getting a disproportionate amount done in limited time. Although a vital aspect of achieving this remains knowing when (and how) to say no.
COMMUNITY:
Finally, it’s easy to become a hermit when you’re isolated from your friends, family and colleagues. We’re in the middle of another lockdown right now, but since we’re allowed to meet one other person outside, I’ve found that just going for a walk and a chat (whether about work or life in general) with a friend once or twice a week can be a welcome glimpse into ‘normal life’. It can also provide a much-needed change of scene and a shift in the sometimes monotonous grind of ‘pandemic life’.
We may not have as much freedom in our lives as we would ordinarily expect or hope for, but we retain the freedom to make decisions about to manage our lives and as Alyssa and Stew put it in Parents Who Lead:
“By the time parents come to us, they’re often so overwhelmed by the demands of work, family, and the rest of life that they believe the only way to fix things is through a massive overhaul. And, sometimes a massive overhaul is exactly what’s needed. But, before you quit your job, take heart in the knowledge that most of the parents we encounter are delightfully surprised at the big impact of small changes, intentionally made. Thoughtfully designed experiments [for example] can generate four-way wins that shift how you feel about your lives without radically changing how you live them.”
Listen in to my conversation with Alyssa on the podcast next Tuesday.
In the meantime, have a great week.
Ollie
Any Other Business:
You know the score, check out the new episodes of Take My Advice, below, and subscribe:
Alex Soojung-Kim Pang, author of Rest and Shorter, and expert on the four-day week. We cover a range of topics, from reducing the number and duration of meetings to the impact of AI on work.
Ben Legg has had a diverse career including as an army officer, McKinsey strategy consultant, COO of Google Europe and global technology CEO. He is now CEO of The Portfolio Collective and helps people create their own portfolio career.
Carrying on the parenting theme, How to Talk to Your Kids About Work During the Pandemic by Jacqueline Zeller in Harvard Business Review.
Why the future of the office has been put on hold: For those who have gone back to the office, not much has really changed by Rani Molla on Recode.
Why Small Talk Is Good For You by Leslie Nemo on Discover.
And finally…
